From a young age, we’re encouraged by good parents, inspired teachers and nostalgic strangers to pursue our wildest dreams: Dare to dream. The world is your oyster. When you wish upon a star your dreams come true. Somewhere over the rainbow, munchkins have orgies with other munchkins … blah, blah, blah (I forget the exact lyrics).
Sure, this is great advice. You should go skipping in the direction of your dreams. Have an orgie with a munchkin, if you please. Whatever tickles your pickle.
But there’s an awkward part missing from the fairytale that nobody ever addresses:
What happens after the dream?
What becomes of the protagonist after she takes great risks, grows, conquers, and gets all she wishes for? What happens then, huh?
The screen fades. The credits roll. You walk over a sticky carpet of split popcorn to return to your life so that you too can make your dreams come true, just like the movie protagonist.
But in real life, the credits don’t roll and nobody sails off permanently into the sunset.
The film reel just keeps on rolling.
And rolling.
And rolling some more.
*Cough*
Hello? Still there? Yep, we’re still rolling.
Which, if you’re Dorothy Gale from Kansas, may look a little something like this:
Dorothy gets home from her epic voyage to Oz, happily reunited with her much-missed family. Buzzing with stories of emerald city and her cast of peculiar friends, Dorothy’s family pretends to be interested for a few days, and then the reality of life in Kansas starts to settle back in. There are chores to be done. There’s pig shit to be raked. Somebody has to walk Todo. Plus, it’s about time Dorothy got a real job — all this standing around singing about rainbows ain’t paying any goddamn bills. Depressed and missing her Oz pals, Dorothy tries to stuff her empty void by marrying the only available bachelor in Kansas: a good-for-nothing drunkard who’s sweaty face reminds her a little bit of the tin man’s …
So yeah, dream’s over, folks.
After you’ve had bucket-loads of vodka-and-Red-Bull fun, you’ll eventually have to board a flight home, fight traffic on the freeway, submit several years of overdue tax, and begin your life from scratch with an emptied bank account, a fading tan, sandy shoes, and a pile of photos featuring your grinning mug in a bunch of exotic locales. You’re facing horrible truth: your once-in-a-lifetime adventure is ov-ah.
Depressed yet? Wait! There is a moral to this story (I promise).
How to avoid staring at the ass-end of a once-in-a-lifetime adventure.
The idea of having a once-in-a-lifetime ANYTHING is a tragic concept. In reality, everything is once-on-a-lifetime. Today is once-in-a-lifetime. Tomorrow is once-in-a-lifetime. You’ll only ever read this blog post right now in this moment once, and by the time you’re finished reading, you’ll be older (sorry, no refunds).
You don’t hear people saying, ‘This morning, I rode to work on a once-in-a-lifetime train! And I had a once-in-a-lifetime experience of some guy yelling at me for standing on his shoe!’ No, you don’t hear people talking that way and if you did, I’m sure you’d punch them in the mouth. But everything, I repeat, everything is once-in-a-lifetime.
To call only the good moments once-in-a-lifetime is depressingly nostalgic. Just as it’s important to savor the moment, it’s also important to let moments go. You can’t keep ‘em. Life is a sequence of passing experiences, good, bad and ugly. It’s like that plastic bag scene in American Beauty that made no sense. Life makes no sense. I’m making no sense. You know what I mean? (Nope, me either. I just stole more of your life. Sorry about that. I said no refunds!)
But I do have a point and it is this:
To declare something as once-in-a-lifetime puts too much pressure on that experience, and you’ll inevitably pop out the other side depressed and shortchanged. So stop regarding it as once-in-a-lifetime and instead think of your experiences as: One of many adventures in a lifetime. And don’t limit yourself to ‘once.’ While the whole journey happens only once – from beginning to end, from youth to old age – if you only permit yourself one small stretch of happiness; one celebrated experience, you’re in for a lot of ordinary post-dream moments.
If you’ve still got a heartbeat, you’re still on the roller coaster. Enjoy the ride no matter what you’re doing. Don’t mourn the ‘good ‘ol days’ of times come and gone. Stop weeping over pictures of your mug in exotic locales. Instead, embrace what you have now and where you’re going next.
“Let go of the past and go for the future. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined.” —Thoreau
Create a new dream. Run away over another rainbow if you want to. Hook up with a midget. But fuhgodssake, whatever you do, don’t settle for misery by marrying the sweaty-face guy.
Torre DeRoche is the author of two travel memoirs, Love with a Chance of Drowning (2013) and The Worrier’s Guide to the End of the World (due out September 2017). She has written for The Atlantic, The Guardian Travel, The Sydney Morning Herald, Emirates, and two Lonely Planet anthologies.
70 Response Comments
Great advice! Sometimes it’s hard to remember that we don’t have to have just one great adventure, one dream. Not only would it be boring to never have another adventure, but it would be boring to not have something to work towards and look forward to. I need to remember that when I get frustrated at how many places I won’t get to on my 4 month round the world trip later this year.
True. Trying to see the whole world in 4 months is tricky, but you’ll have such a rich experience. Plenty of fodder for nostalgic fantasies and tearing up over photos for years to come 🙂
Awesome point you made there! Why limit yourself to “once” when you can accomplish “many”? We believe that life is a never ending cycle of adventures, a continuous flow of learnings. That’s why no matter how hard it is for us to earn some moolahs for our travel fund, we never stop. Because yes, everyday is once-in-a-lifetime! 🙂
‘… life is a never ending cycle of adventures, a continuous flow of learnings.’ – lovely. You can’t go wrong with that life philosophy.
Oh how very true. It was this train of thinking which got me on round the world trips 2 and 3. Still, on the eve of another homecoming, it doesn’t stop you fearing being sucked back in the the life you don’t like and perhaps becoming desperate enough to get with mr. sweaty face. I find myself buying up souvenirs to desperately try to take a piece of my travels home with me to remind myself of the world that’s out there.
Mr. Sweaty Face. Yep. Beware! As long as you commit to making no compromises, you should have nothing to fear.
Yes indeed. And when you think you’re too dodderin’ to have another adventure? Why (even at 60+) you simply create a new one, like… moving to the other side of the globe to start a whole new life as an expat teaching English in Vietnam!
Love it.
Love your writing, totally know this feeling well. Coming home changes your life just as much as going away and its all about remembering those every day moments that can be just as special
Interesting -and disturbing! – thoughts. For me, the key is to try to leverage my trip, when it happens, so that the immediate aftermath is more or less “planned” or related to the trip itself. I failed to do that the last time I was abroad and got myself into a 12-year hole (with many good parts in it). Currently working on my “exit” from it and my blog is part of this strategy.
…my reply was meant for the initial post.
Excellent post! We are right smack dab in the throes of that reentry process now and yup – it’s tough. You are so right that we tend to think about all the excitement and glamour of travel, but don’t consider that after-the-fact part of the process.
I couldn’t agree more that we need to embrace the reality of where we are and consider that our current adventure isn’t any better or worse- it’s just another phase.
Hey thanks for putting me on to this post Nancy,
I was the same after my European expedition last year, struggled for a while before I can to realise that I was spending a lot of time in the past instead of the present.
This really puts into words the clarity I came to,
Cheers
Mark
@runwithmark
I think we all live in the past to an extent, but it’s so important to enjoy the right here, right now. I love this post – and am so happy it hit home with you too!
I think of you often, Nancy. I know the feeling – it can be hard! It’s a conscious effort to bring yourself into the present.
This totally made my morning.
So far, the only thing I’ve done that was supposed to have a big let down period afterward was planning my wedding. Everyone was worried that afterward I’d feel depressed after all the brou-ha-ha was done. Those were not people I chose to take marriage advice from. (Happiest day of my life? Busiest day of my life. All days since have been way better and happier.)
The whole wedding planning thing can be a bit obnoxious, huh? I’m glad you’ve had happier days since: that speaks highly of your relationship!
I had that dream, spent 17 years trying to make it happen, finally did and had no intention of it ever ending, but then suddenly, unexpectedly, it did. Ooh. That hurt. It took me a while, a long while, but finally I figured out that, yes, like you said, it was only *one* of the adventures in my life.
No! I look forward to reading your book.
I really like your perspective on this. I am in the middle of one of those ‘once-in-a-lifetime adventures,’ and I have struggled to push away the ‘what will happen next’ thoughts.
I love this post. I want to have this sentence tattooed on my arm (ok maybe not…maybe I should just jot it down somewhere!)…
“To call only the good moments once-in-a-lifetime is depressingly nostalgic.”
Well said! I spent the better part of a year planning (only) a month-long trip last year, and I determined that it would NOT be once-in-a-lifetime…and it wasn’t. We leave again for another month in a couple of weeks, and I took an entire year off from work this year to travel (among other things.)
I can’t wait to find out what my next dream will be!!!
This is perfect. Just perfect. I do this all the time. I put pressure on events and situations. Why? To only be disappointed if it doesn’t go the way I had it planned out in my head. I think “planners” like myself tend to do this a lot. I like this new outlook. Why have “once in a lifetime” moments? Why not have “all in a lifetime” moments instead?
Ooh, ‘all in a lifetime’ – I love it.
Well said Torre, well said!
I love this post. It is so true! I hate to think of people just accomplishing one thing and then just reliving it forever as if they could not do more.
This post is very true and thought provoking! I find I have many of the same feelings when you come home from a week vacation or weekend away. Reality hits the minute you walk in the door – laundry, grocery shopping etc. There is always some re-entry pains and then its on to the next big thing!
It can be a sad feeling if you dwell on it, huh?
You are absosmurfly correct.
Instead of “once in a lifetime,” I’ve always thought of things as “if this is fun/worth it/still here by that time, I’m gonna have to remember it to do it again/bring what’s-his-name with me/include it in my blog post.”
Nothing like including an experience in a blog post to revisit it (or even better: in a book!).
Thank you! I was wondering if I should hook up with that munchkin- I’m taking this as a sign.
Seriously though, great post and a great reminder that life, and all of it’s amazing adventures, ain’t over till its over.
You’re already hooked up with Hulk Hogan.
Followed a link on Twitter that brought me here… Fabulous post! Once you have one adventure, you’ll itch for more 🙂
Thanks. So true, life is just a series of trying to top the last great thing you did, which gets hard. 🙂
Clicked this link from @thetravelchica ‘s RT and I’m now officially yours forever. And I’m not even a midget or a sweaty faced man.
Yes, yes, yes. LOVED THIS! Can’t wait to read more!
Glad to have you here, and it’s even better that you’re not a sweaty face man. Though I have no issue with midgets. Apart from Oompa Loompas – they’re not welcome on my blog. Though they were, technically speaking, dwarfs, not that their specific medical condition matters – it’s the costumes, the orange skin, and the creepy monotone song-and-dance numbers that haunt me. But that’s a whole separate blog post right there.
Very well put! Calling something once-in-a-lifetime is also kind of a reductive way to view the places you visit. It’s not a once-in-a-lifetime experience for the people who live there. I guess you have to dig a little deeper than your own amazing experience if you really want to get to know a place intimately…
And I like the film reel analogy a lot…
Good point: it’s the everyday mundane for the people who live there! And it’s only exciting to us – the visitor – because we’ve never seen it before, and so we’re hyperaware and we feel in the moment. But once-in-a-lifetime comes from within: from understanding you’re living this moment only once. And that can happen no matter what country you happen to be in. Thanks for your comment.
Wow, what an amazing post! You are absolutely correct. Thank you for reminding us all that every day is something special, and there are always more opportunities to go over the rainbow.
-Abigail
http://www.picturebritain.com
Loved this! I needed a refresher. When I first moved back, I wrote a lot about how going back to work for me was just as much of an adventure as setting out on my two years off/of travel. But 11 months later, I’m a bit burnt out. So thanks for the kick in the bum!
I know the feeling well. I think it’s hard to slot into ‘normal’ if you’re the type of personality that loves adventure. If you get to burn-out stage, it’s definitely a good sign to shake it up a bit.
love this post. why do we limit ourselves to once in a lifetime thing anyway when we can have manyyy adventures in life (and we don;t need to go to some exotic place for that 🙂
Exactly. There are lots of adventures to be had on the train! Or at the supermarket! Or while doing housework! Or … okay, I’m grasping at straws here.
I think ‘living happily ever after’ sounds boring and sad. hope i never live happily ever after!
I say plug up them leaky holes and sail in a different direction! If adventure isnt’t an option right now, appreciating whats happening now, is important, its a guarantee, for me anyways, that i’ll look back on now with fondness no matter how much i hate getting up in the morning to dig holes! the people in your life now may be ‘a once in a lifetime experience’ so lap it up!
I love this post! You really said something valuable here, and it’s very interesting!
A lot of people get stuck with the idea of achieving the once-in-a-lifetime such that they fail to see other opportunities, other adventures, and other joys that come their way. They work so hard to reach a once-in-a-lifetime experience/dream, but they miss out on the other things that are as important, are as joyful, are as beautiful, and are as spectacular. You’re right – everyday is once-in-a-lifetime. Every opportunity is. Every moment is. We don’t walk by the same road with the same kind of experience/mood twice. It’s always different. It’s always once-in-a-lifetime.
What we really need to do is just do what we love to do, whether it is something we’ve always wanted to do or something that we want to do because it just popped from our head five seconds ago. We can keep chasing our dreams, and at the same time, enjoy what we have at the moment. We can take on lots and lots of adventures and even eat lots and lots of different foods, and despite the common themes, they’re all unique in their own special ways.
Life is so much more than just the once-in-a-lifetime experiences; it’s more of the little common things that drop by our window everyday. 🙂
I know this is a few days old, but I keep coming back to it. Thanks. I needed this! 🙂
Just stumbled across this post and found it timely-I just came home Saturday from an adventure that I had been wanting to go on for the last 5 years. So now I’m back and now…..? When I was a little younger (and by that, I mean two years ago, ha) I would have been severely depressed at this point. But now, I am able to look at it as one down, more to go. And the adventures don’t have to be huge, just so long as it’s an adventure!
I love this! I tell people similar stuff all the time. What particularly annoys me is that the travel crowd have a tendency to make it sound as if adventures can only be had halfway around the world, when in reality, they can be had right in your own backyard! I only travel internationally once, maybe twice a year, but as a historical reenactor I travel “in time” at least twenty-five weekends a year. Those weekends are just as adventure-filled as my times in Korea, or France, or Switzerland.
It’s about all about redirecting.
This is exactly what I needed to read this morning. It definitely puts things into perspective. Thank you!
What a great post. After quite a few backpacking adventures across the world and other “once in a lifetime” experiences, I often find myself wondering “I traveled…now what?!”
My answer, and to some extent yours and everyone else blogging away, is to keep the fun going through Internet posts. While traveling, one rarely has time to properly detail every nuance of the trip or edit all of the hundreds of images being captured daily.
It isn’t until I come home and reenter “the real world” that I finally have time to digest everything, get to work on editing and find a fun new way to present the images and stories that made it the once in a lifetime adventure…at least, until the next one comes along 🙂
Where do I do all this? At Adventures of a GoodMan: Photography, Storytelling and World Travel by Greg Goodman.
Hi Greg, I agree—writing about your travels when you get home is a great way to keep them going. I’ve lived my ocean adventure for the last two years through words, which has been better than the real thing because I can experience it again without the constant seasickness!
Your photography is beautiful.
Thanks so much for your kind words 🙂
I love the way you wrote this article and every word of it is so true.
Love this post, perhaps we romanticize too much about travel and want that perfect ending. I don’t know if anyone gets that ending or even knows what it should look like.
What a well written, thought provoking post! You are so right. Experiencing ‘once in a lifetime’ adventures many many many times is the reason we can’t stop planning our next getaway!
wow, that was funny (the last paragraph, I mean) Reading it was like seeing myself on a mirror.
I had a dream and made it, then rode another rainbow. On a weak moment I almost marry that sweaty-face guy. I realized I didn’t want to settle for mundane and boring and made up another dream. Ditched my job and went to Africa for a while. Now I am working on my next dream.
I came up with my perfect job, but since that is not available I am creating it for myself.
Hi, I am going on right now through the decision process of going back or not and when…already reading a lot, having mixed feelings since where I am now is a place that could be anywhere certainly, but is a place where I have peace for my life, for my things…not like in home country. What I am feeling is that I don`t wanna go back because I don`t wanna go to those things back there, those things that used to steal my peace. I`ve changed indeed and this is a key thing in my mind, I put my rules of course…but socially sometimes this can get TOO difficult, even more regarding a close-minded country like mine, with small social and judgmental thinking. These might be everywhere of course, but definitely not the same in a developed country with a wider way of thinking of the entire community than the one I am describing. I am not afraid of not traveling any more…will be tougher because of location and more but not impossible and definitely I will make my life around that so that I can keep growing my travel activity and doing my thing. What I am afraid of is different. I´ve changed and I love it and I will be simply me. Whoever likes it, welcome to my world! If not…well, I`m sorry but everyone follows their own path and life is like this. But still…the place will be rough on me probably, family, old friends, etc. It will be a shock of course and time will pass too. I just don`t feel like wanting that and going back. Thanx on your article! One of the most enlightening I`ve read these days. Cheers!
Once you got back home it is time to hope and hard work for a new one 🙂
You are living what I’ve been working towards since completing a 2-year journey on my sailboat. I’ve been living by that Thoreau quote {cover page of my blog :-)} I’m sure you’re incredibly busy, but I’m wondering if I could ask a question or two about Ms Evans?
Well said. Feeling the post-13-month-travelling-trip-of-a-lifetime depression right now. It’s all part of the process though, right? I feel better for reading your article but I wish I was still in the Gili Islands! Traffic jams and rain are never, ever, going to replace the freedom and fun I felt when I was away. Everybody should travel. I just didn’t realise it would feel this shit when I got home 🙁
Wow, great article, It feels like you just summed up the last 8 years of my life, I got divorced in 2005 but my marriage was over in 2002, I began to see the world , set out on a fantastic voyage, first stop Knock su cow, pardon the pun, Bangkok , Thailand, Nana Plaza and Hotel, and several other girlie districts to get my groove back on. partys all night till Bangkok said move on there is more to see, headed south to Pattaya, wow , If i thought I got my groove back in Bangkok, wrong, while great exploring the temples, gold district, and restaurants, Pattaya had temples known as Bars, walking street was every mans dream, thousands upon thousands of girls available for your pleasure day and night, party moved onward after a month or so in heaven or so I thought. Once again headed south to Phuket, Soi Bangla in Patong Beach , I fell in love, the beach, the town, the shops the food, the weather, the girls, the daily massages, the back rubs on the beach, the pedicures for 3 bucks, you name it. ended up moving there and set up base there while i TRAVELED MORE. Once again on the prowl to Cambodia, Vietnam, Singapore,Kuala Lumpur, china , Hong Kong which I loved and Macau, all were fabulous, each had its own distinct flavor, my journeys taught me how to tell the Asians apart, then to the Philippines, Angeles Cit y, not a scenic place and not very clean, a rough much smaller copy of Pattaya not on a beach as you had to go to Subic for what they call a beach, spent 4 years back n forth there, fell in love, this time with a girl not with the place.Even kept a place there because i was there so often.from there I headed back to the USA for a pit stop see my kids whom are basically upper teens to 20s and check in see how all is, then to Central America, Costa Rica was stop one, Yes Blue Marlin in San Jose was first night spot I hit at the Hotel Del Rey. had stayed for a while explored San Jose been back n forth for a few years and headed to , where else the beach, Jaco small town , surf type town, decent food in the area, good times, Manuel Antonio, nice spent some time there, went north to the Guanacaste region, Hot and dryer and still being built up, the airport Liberia was not a viable option to fly into, it seems the government is concerned with tourism and wants its tourists to spend some money In the capital city so you must go through San Jose and the venture out, the country is beautiful made up mostly of national parks, we then spent time In south Limon on the Caribbean side in a raggae town called Puerto Veajo, hippies , yes raggae oh yes, and the smell of ganga everywhere.. nice town real slow and laid back, many backpackers here like it and it was a town to relax in, get back to nature.. from here we went to Nicaragua, Honduras, an the Islands , needed the beach thing again after a wasted trip too Tagus , short for Taguilcaiulpa, not much to do there and really found people not so friendly and had to real careful of being ripped off. headed to the Island of Roatan there we had a good time except when it was time to move on I got Dengue fever and thought I would die, it took a month to shake this as after I got sick headed home in USA to my apartment in Florida while keeping apartments in thailand and Philippines to rest up , about 2 months later back on my horse and headed to a beach place I had been too many time before Hug Chavez ruined it, margarita Island off the coast of Venezuela, and east of the A B C islands, cheap island to live on where beer is about 20 cents and a gallon of gas is 10 cents in this country if you get your car washed you got a free tank of gas, this is so true, food is excellent, and Playa El Agua is a beautiful beach, I ended up buying a business here a few year later only to sell it after 2 years because of the problems with theft, crime, and politics as everyone there was on the take, a person could not run a business there if they were a foreigner and most were getting out selling beachfront condos a peanuts compared to other islands in the area such as aruba Bonaire, or any of the spice islands of Tabago, and Trinidad you can get beachfront on margarita for under 45k U.S and thats 2 bedroom.but who wants it if when you come home everything is gone, it is a shame, left there and have not been back, columbia and panama were nex stops and were enjoyed totally again not at the top of my lists but nice, i think I liked costa Rica better than those of Cental America but not nearly as much as Thailand. now It was time to get out of the spanish areas and head back to my Asian feelings but where, off to Bali like Bob Hopes and Bing Crosby road to Bali. another real l beautiful island and much less of a headache and problems then margarita Island, people were great and laid back, beaches, were great and laid back, food was great, Poppies, and Jimbaran for Seafood, I spoiled myself since having Dengue and d at the Ritz Carlton Jimbaran , all I can say was Wow again, great 3 week stay there, then Off to stay in the action packed Kuta beach, at the largest hotel the Hard Rock cafe, great bars pools cabanas what a great time, the island exploring was fabulous and nightlife was tremendous, I met many Australian friends there and we made the most out of this island, I know I would be back and was several times, but it was off to Philippines to my sweetheart whom I have been writing and chatting via net, i opened a bar in Angeles City but fell ill there, and we decided to get married we had our first and second child and decided to move back to the states, was my adventure over, sadness sank in and going throught the immigration process to bring a filipina here to USA was th most grueling thing I ever did, along with the kids they put her through the ringer, and the costs where ridiculous for lawyers and congressional people to bring your wife and kids home was just a mess from top to bottom, while our country is such a mess by letting illegal aliens in this country by the millions I a veteran whom is a tax payer in good standing could not get my wife over here while I fell ill for medical treatment, I nearly died in manila waiting for them to approve her visa, but I had to be there for interviews, just a mess, well we finally came back to reality in Florida, I unlike Dorothy dont live over the rainbow, but wish I could travel more like I did then took the family on a cruise in march of 2013 headed to the Bahamas in november, we live a stones throw from mickey Mouses Castle and the magic of travel is still alive, I am not done by any means and like this wonderful article says I embrace a new adventure every day and plan for the next one every month, our next big trip is Montanita Beach Ecuador, yes surf and Raggae are back smell of ganga should be present for this older hippie from the past and I have my taste of Asia with me in my wife. what else could be better. except to do this all over again and again till both of us end up over the rainbow.
I’d love to hear Torre’s and anyone else’s thoughts on the impulse to turn around and go right back to where you just left (Ireland, in my case). Finances are one concern, but the pressure of returning to “real life” is another. Friends and family keep reminding me that what I just experienced was vacation and it had to end at some point, but my overwhelming response is “why?” I’m untethered in all respects right now, including the relationships to which I assumed I was returning. I suppose what I’m asking is this: is that desire to go back something we all feel, but it needs to be reasoned with because it just prolongs the inevitable, or is it a valid impulse that deserves real attention? Of course only I can make this decision, but I’m very interested in other perspectives. I should also mention that there is romantic motivation on that side of the Atlantic…
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