Summer is ending in Melbourne and the weather is cooling down. But in this city, that transition is not a gradual twist of the thermostat, it’s an overnight snap between heatstroke and frostbite.
“It’s like Antarctica and the Australian desert are continually fighting it out over the top of Melbourne,” my partner remarked. Never have I heard a more accurate description of what it’s like to live in this city.
I left the house wearing shorts one lovely sunny day this week and for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why I was so uncomfortable. My arms were breaking out in bumps, I was shivering, and all I could think about was hot chocolate, electric blankets, and comfort foods.
What is wrong here? I wondered. Am I getting sick?
No. The weather was just fucking cold. A day that had started out warm had turned icy without warning, yet my brain—having woken to a blue sky and a warm breeze—hadn’t caught up to that fact.
It’s a common mistake. Summertime doesn’t end gracefully here, it snaps fast enough to turn sweat droplets into icicles. After that, the sky spits chilly rain for what feels like a hundred years, and then springtime arrives with an explosion of green leaves, chirping birds, and unbridled optimism. But it’s just a tease. After a quick reminder of what habitable weather feels like, any hope of summer disappears leaving us cold and miserable for another fifty years. Then you wake up one day and it’s forty degrees Celsius and a fresh batch of old ladies have died from heatstroke.
Who can blame ’em?
We have our coping mechanisms, though, such as complaining about it. Like, all the time. We pretend as though the psychotic weather is unexpected, and we act shocked and violated on a daily basis. This approach allows us to feel victimised, which is easier than acknowledging that we built our homes in an vile pocket between the cold fronts of the Southern Ocean and heat of the desert. We could be living elsewhere, but we stay. It’s easier to complain than to pack.
So every conversation that you’ll ever have in Melbourne will have a segment that goes like this:
“Oh. My. God. How cold is this weather?!”
“I know! Bloody hell! This is ridiculous!”
“It’s supposed to be summer!”
“Uh, I know! I just got a fake tan for nothing!”
“I just had my bikini waxed for nothing!”
“This is bullshit.”
“Let’s move to Queensland.”
“Um, no. Let’s not.”
“I was totally joking.”
However, the psychotic weather is what gives Melbourne it’s flavour. There is nothing practical about the climate. It’s harsh. It’s hardcore. But it keeps the wankers away.
To fight the winter blues, we turn to art for solace. Layers of graffiti transform chilly brick façades into a walls of hope. Delicious, lavish dishes and wines are served in restaurants, warming the bellies and minds of eaters for one glorious hour. Live music expresses the cold, harsh truths of humanity, and listeners sway in unison, connected through shared sorrows. Our suffering makes the joys richer. Our canvases are not dappled with Sydney harbour Cyan and Annoyingly Happy Yellow, but with Long-Suffering Beige and Kill Me Now Grey. We’re in this together.
Melbourne replaces sunshine with soul. Blue skies with blues. Heat with heart.
That’s what I tell myself anyway.
It warms me at night when I’m fighting off frostbite of the toes.
Torre DeRoche is the author of two travel memoirs, Love with a Chance of Drowning (2013) and The Worrier’s Guide to the End of the World (due out September 2017). She has written for The Atlantic, The Guardian Travel, The Sydney Morning Herald, Emirates, and two Lonely Planet anthologies.
43 Response Comments
Ha, sounds like Portland sort of. At least the depressing gray and spitting rain part (and the good food and music). We’re always threatening to move to Denver but then we don’t. So true that complaining is easier than packing!
From what I hear, Portland is worse. My condolences. 🙂
A ha ha ha – so true, love it!
Reading this with my coat on. In front of the telly.
Not. turning. on. the. heater.
yet.
Gotta love Melbourne……
The heater in my house is broken. I have an electric blanket for warmth. Yes, gotta love Melbourne.
I’m English. I feel your pain. Currently though I am having problems of the opposite kind here in your lovely bungalow in Koh Tao… So. Fucking. Hot. I’m trying not to sweat too much on your cushions.
It really it hot up there, isn’t it? Are you able to write/design in that heat? Best solution is to go for a dip at about 2.30pm and stay in the water (with beers) until about 5pm. Dinner at Su Chilli, then home again.
I love the melbourne street art
Ps it’s pissing down rain up here in Sydney!
I was just in Sydney last week. The weather was absolutely beautiful, and I fantasied about moving there.
I was just about to type the same thing as Kim. We got a tease of spring here this weekend and now it’s back to grey skies and everyone complaining about how miserable it is outside…”and can you BELIEVE it’s going to be like this all weekend?” It seems like the incredulity would wear off after time, but it doesn’t.
I guess it’s either shocked disbelief or depressed surrender, huh?
I lived briefly in Melbourne for one winter and I actually didn’t think it ever got that cold! Maybe it was a weird winter?
Did you? I didn’t know that. If you’re used to a snowy climate, you may scoff at Melbourne’s ‘cold’ winter. The problem here is the lack of heating. Everyone pretends that the weather is great, and nobody puts in proper heating (or cooling for that matter). We shiver. A lot.
Sydney’s just as bad at the moment – I’m just hanging out for winter boot season to kick in. I figure I have maybe 3 weeks to wait 🙂
In Sydney, you’ll only get to wear your ugg boots for two weeks, right?
Ha! You summed it up so well, Torre! I still feel like I’m travelling when I’m in Melbourne, I absolutely love it (except the crazy weather, I mean, really!). If you had the weather too, well, then you would be Sydney and that would suck 🙂
I was in Sydney last week, staying right on the harbour. We watched the sailboats racing past from our balcony, and I had to admit it… Sydney is pretty great.
So true Torre! But at least we are blessed with a couple of nice, sunny and beautiful autumn days over the next few days!!
This is true. It’s not yet time to get my complaining on.
My god Torre, I love you! I sit here with a fan blowing the Vietnam heat off me and know that in 60 days I will be, like you, bitching about Melbourne weather. So funny, thanks for keeping it real! X
The weather, and birthing small humans. Lots to complain about!
I’ve been living in Melbourne for a year now and I love this crazy weather. It gets hot, but never 100% humidity and 45 degrees hot. It gets cold, but not -8 degrees during the daytime cold.
Melbourne’s extremes are not really extremes, and that’s why I love it and people have such a good quality of life. Plus, even in winter, the sun never fails to show its face every few days.
I wish I had your optimism. There are no extremes here, but I find that it’s impossible to acclimatise because it’s always randomly changing around. Snow on Christmas day, for example.
Haha! I guess it does keep a lot of the wankers away… My morning conversations the last two days have pretty much all kicked off with how cold it is.
I know! How cold is it?!
This piece is beautiful ode to Melbourne! Yes it’s crazy and we all complain but no I’d never move to Queensland. I cope by taking off for a holiday to a warm spot on the globe every July and topping up my serotonin levels.
That’s a nice way to break it up. I cope by moving to Thailand.
Hi Torre! It’s the same thing in Vancouver, where I’m from- you live in a rainforest and complain when it pours all winter. I live in Brisbane now though, you SHOULD come to Queensland!
I just bought your book, and I’m halfway through 12 hours later. I love it! I found your blog a few months ago through the Almost Fearless blog, and I’m so glad I did. Thank you for the amazing stories!
So glad you’re enjoying the book. Thanks for stopping by to tell me that, Pam.
I grew up in Manchester – a damp pocket “somewhere up north” of England. Manchester is famous for cotton, continuous rain, bronchial pneumonia, and character building. Heart, soul and music – as you say – climatically all thrown in for free. I still opted for heat, blue skies and wankersville. P.S I love melbourne too.
Hmm. I think I would opt for wankersville over the bronchial pneumonia too.
I am rather fond of it, though just heard hubby’s next contract could be Melbourne bound. Do I have broken cheek capillaries to look forward to?
I’ve never been Melbourne before but view from your consideration I can say that city is very beautiful. Thanks for sharing such nice experience of yours. It’s helps me visualize Melbourne for sometime in my eyes. 🙂
I was in Melbourne for a semester in college and coming from New York, assumed Australia would be hot and sunny. All that talk of Melbourne having a winter was probably just spoiled Australians thinking a little chill in the morning counts as cold. But it actually does get pretty chilly!! Still loved my time there though, and love this assessment of the cold adding to the flavor of the city. I’d love to go back! (But probably when its warm. After all, we have REAL winter to escape in New York 🙂 )
I’m reading your book right now and I love it so much!! I currently live in Melbourne- the weather is a big battle for me, especially when I’ve recently moved from Queensland, and prior to that lived in San Diego… I lived in Oceanside actually; a part in your book I loved! Made me a little nostalgic. But I sure do love this city. So much to enjoy 🙂
Lordy Lord! This is so true. I travelled from Cairns where I was sweating my face off to Melbourne which was like a frickin freezer! No coat or anything im backpack! Bad mistake…
Do miss the place though! Especially the ridiculous amount of cake coffee shops on Chapel Street… Yum
Dammit, I am in Thailand and I have been craving cake for days!
Melbourne weather kills me! I need warmth or I go into hibernation mode :0
Torre I really enjoyed your book. That would make a great movie,a chick flick I would enjoy. Rare indeed.
Ha ha! What a compliment. Thank you, Colin.
Omgoshness, you’ve become my new fave blogger for this post alone! haha
’tis all so very relatable right now 🙂
Haha- enjoyed reading this post. Spot on about Melbourne! 🙂
I would feel sorry for you but I am currently stuck in the north west of England! As soon as I finish uni I’m off!