The Not-So-Lonely Planet Guide To Thailand

Visit an exhibition in amateur photography.

There’s something about warm, balmy weather that makes many-a-tourist want to get down on all fours on the shoreline of a crowded beach, and begin rolling around for a snapping camera like they’re being art directed by Hugh Hefner. Sunset marks the peak season for these Top Model photo sessions, when clothes come off and women of all ages and sizes transform into tigers for the camera. The lapping shoreline is the preferred location, though you may also find them arched over swing sets, or straddling palm trunks with a come-hither pout.

Check-out the latest in European swimwear.

While Europeans lead the world of fashion, evidently they have an anything-goes policy when it comes to swimwear. Plant yourself beachside and watch a runway parade of appalling budgie smuggling dicktogs, or tired underpants posing as board shorts (note: just because your undies are patterned with flowers does not mean they’re beach-ready). If you’re lucky, you’ll get to see a German middle-aged hairy man wearing a minuscule thong like I did. While I’m no European fashion expert, it’s my personal belief that man + thong = felony that should be punished by a firm wedgie. Go ahead and wedgie a thonged man today — you’ll be performing a community service.

Check out the latest in European Swimwear while watching an amateur photography session.

Yep, this is just how things are in Koh Chang:

Tour the eclectic architectural styles.

When it comes to accommodation in Thailand, a thatched-roof bungalow checks off the basic requirements for this hot climate: a bed, a fan, a mosquito net and a cold shower. Constructed from wooden beams, woven palm fronds and hundreds of geckos holding hands, they blend seamlessly into the tropical surroundings. But there is something for everybody here, and a wander around the busy tourist strips will introduce you to 78 varieties of tickytacky.

This American-style construction looks like it was transported out of a gated community near Silicon Valley and deposited on the white sand beach of Koh Chang:

Become a temporary pet owner.

As you stroll by the beach, you may get followed by a caramel colored dog who has sweet eyes, and an outbreak of crusty mange scabs. If you should take sympathy and stroke the poor beast, he’ll probably sleep on the front porch of your accommodation, snuggle up against you on the beach and gaze at you during mealtimes hoping for a prawn tail or a few leftover grains of rice. Guilty with your Western gluttony, you’ll begin collecting leftovers and leaving them out for your scabby companion, without realizing that you’re deepening the bond and the dependency. When it comes time to leave, be prepared to face up to a set of miserable eyes as your new best friend realizes that, once again, his pack leader is abandoning him.

Test your pain threshold and flexibility with Thai-style massage.

Thai massage is 7 parts deep tissue kneading, 2 parts yoga and 1 part excruciating pain. While you’ll mostly experience tingling, happy muscles and criminally good pleasure, every so often your eyes will shock open and you’ll gulp down the urge to yell: “HOLY SHIT, LADY, I CAN’T BEND THAT WAY!” The amount of strength coming from the tiny Thai masseuses seems impossible, but don’t be fooled by their slight frames and smiling faces: these ladies can poke, press, bend and fold with the power and aggression of a heavy weight.

Get experimental with food: try a flesh coffee, or some fried rice with crap.

Crap is no something I usually garnish my food with, but your Thai experience wouldn’t be complete without an intestinal parasite for a souvenir. Hopefully, these unusual menu items that I’ve seen around are just typos.

Torre DeRoche

Torre DeRoche is the author of two travel memoirs, Love with a Chance of Drowning (2013) and The Worrier’s Guide to the End of the World (due out September 2017). She has written for The Atlantic, The Guardian Travel, The Sydney Morning Herald, Emirates, and two Lonely Planet anthologies.