Erections On Everest

Mounting Everest

Mountain sickness (AMS) is a frightening monster that creeps in the shadows of adventurers. It typically strikes above 8,000 feet with subtle symptoms like headaches, dizziness, nausea or shortness of breath. If you don’t hike your over-achieving arse down the mountain, it can progress to a serious condition called HAPE: high altitude pulmonary edema (fluid accumulation in the lungs) and there’s nothing like drowning in your own lung fluids to really spoil your day.

But here’s some good news: a doctor friend of mine recently disclosed a trade secret. He told me there’s a common pill you can take to prevent altitude sickness. It’s a pill that is safe, perfectly legal, and responsible for making a lot of people – both men and women – extremely happy. It’s little, it’s blue, and we never dare discuss it at family gatherings …

*Thinking music* Bink. Bonk. Bink. Bonk. Bink. Bonk.

Did you get it? That’s right: Viagra. And no, my blog hasn’t been hijacked by spammers.

Viagra opens blood vessels in the lungs, aiding oxygen flow. This has managed to decrease the onset of HAPE in test studies (though it isn’t effective for everyone, so don’t play around with it … I know, a bad, bad joke). So, if you’re planning a trek above 8,000 feet, you can finally respond to one of the 230,561 emails in your spambox, stock up on some little blue pills and try it out. “No, sweetheart, these pills are for my … err … trekking expedition …”

But it leads to a question, right? What about the possible side-effects for men? You may find that your pal, Russell The One-Eyed Wonder Muscle, is becoming a bit of an annoying tag-along. And, though I have no experience with this myself, Russell may get cold, and nothing interrupts bedroom recreation like frostbite in the trousers.

Never fear, lads. If this Viagra thing takes off on the mountains, I’ve sourced the perfect product.With the help of a knitted creation by someone on Flickr called Jane, the North Face logo, and Photoshop, I give you: The Peanie.

The Peanie

Torre DeRoche

Torre DeRoche is the author of two travel memoirs, Love with a Chance of Drowning (2013) and The Worrier’s Guide to the End of the World (due out September 2017). She has written for The Atlantic, The Guardian Travel, The Sydney Morning Herald, Emirates, and two Lonely Planet anthologies.