Doctors. Who needs ’em? They always hold you up in drab waiting rooms and they’re expensive, not to mention judgemental. Follow these steps to insure you’ll never need a doctor again.>>
After experiencing any unusual bodily ailments, Google your symptoms.
You may notice you have more symptoms that you originally noticed: (“Actually, yes, I am feeling a little tired today,” or, “Now that you mention it, I do sometimes get fuzzy vision.”)
Start pairing your symptoms to possible diseases, rounding down your likely condition.
Let’s just say you’re suffering abdominal pain. Google’s sophisticated databases will let you you know that you definitely either have: (a) An internal bleed, (b) A rare, incurable diseases called Gastroputrefy Syndrome, or, (c) A common cold.
You can go head and rule out a common cold. If you had a cold, your partner, children or co-workers would have it also. So it must be either (a) or (b).
It it probably isn’t an internal bleed, since you haven’t suffered a violent blow to the abdomen (that you can recall), so that means …
Wow, you should be really feeling faint by now. Check the list of symptoms for Gastroputrefy Syndrome. Oh yes, DIZZINESS IS A SYMPTOM! Oh Jesus. Now you feel like being sick. Check the list. NAUSEA IS ALSO A SYMPTOM! This isn’t looking good!
Read an online thesis about Gastroputrefy Syndrome. You’ll find it leads to imminent painful, burning, itchy, ass-on-fire DEATH. NO!
Have three glasses of wine. And a block of chocolate (well, you’re dying, so …) You’ll soon be able to come to terms with the fact that this is the end. Update your Will (online), and your Facebook status “Love you all.” Begin to ponder all the things you want to do before you go: people you want to see, places to visit. So many things, so little time. Ah, too hard—just go on Farmville.
You realize that YOUR FARMVILLE CROPS ARE DYING!! Replace your virtual crops NOW.
Once your crops are okay, check your symptoms again. You’ll likely find no pain, no headache, no nausea, no dizziness, only slurring (but that is from the 5th glass of wine). That means it can’t be Gastroputrefy Syndrome. It must be nothing!
Top up your wine glass and cheers yourself for having excellent health.
If this sounds like you, see suggested treatment below.
Suggested Treatment:
- Cut that shit out.
- See your doctor.
Torre DeRoche is the author of two travel memoirs, Love with a Chance of Drowning (2013) and The Worrier’s Guide to the End of the World (due out September 2017). She has written for The Atlantic, The Guardian Travel, The Sydney Morning Herald, Emirates, and two Lonely Planet anthologies.
2 Response Comments
How did you ever sail the ocean without the power of Google?
It was so hard. So very, very hard. I can’t tell you the number of times I wanted to Google information. Such as the weather: it would’ve been helpful to have that information.