It always starts like this: A brand new day. A sense of endless possibility. A cup of steaming coffee.
You open your computer to start your workday. You’ve got a lot on your to-do list, but it’s one minute before 9 a.m. and you decide there’s time for a cheeky look at Facebook.
Then—
You watch the video and—wow!—these folks are really onto something. A $20 donation gets you a first edition copy hot off the press and you’re supporting a friend (or, more specifically, a friend of a friend-ish). You think: Sure, why not? Click, donate, done.
You decide to spend just a second on their blog, but you end up reading their entire life story, breaking your trance only to sip your coffee, which you notice is now cold. Cold? Already? You check the time. Somehow it’s 10 a.m. There seems to be something wrong with your wall clock. And your computer clock. And your wrist watch.
You go to the kitchen to make a new coffee. Back at your desk, hot coffee in hand, the day still rich with possibilities, you open a new Word document and—
Bloop.
A message.
You ignore it.
Bloop! Bloop! Bloop!
It’s now taking up far more energy to suppress the urge to check your messages than it would if you just checked it quickly. You see that John has sent you four texts:
John: Hey.
John: You there?
John: Earth to Torre!
John: Hello?
Torre: Hey.
John: What’s up? Hey, I’m wondering if you’d mind having a look over something for me?
Torre: I’d love to help, but I’m really busy today.
John: I just need an extra set of eyes on it real quick.
Torre: Mine are currently fully booked.
John: It’ll only take a sec. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?
Torre: Fine. Send it over.
John: You’re the best! I just emailed you.
Your email swooshes in a message from John. Attached is a 45-page business proposal with a short message:
“Thoughts? – John.”
Within three sentences of reading John’s proposal, you know it’s an awful idea and nobody is ever going to buy this crap, even if Antarctica melts and the ocean levels rise up and up and up, and you’re left stranded on a tiny island with one single palm tree, mounds of dead plankton, and this person’s shitty product.
No, John. Non. Não. Nai. Nee. Niet. No.
But you can’t tell your friend his idea is bad—you’ll crush his enormous ego and come off as an unsupportive jerk. So you spend the good part of an hour crafting a reply, trying to strike the right balance between blunt honesty and validating praise.
You pull out the thesaurus several times, searching furiously for something that has the same meaning as the word ‘worthless’ but with all the good cheer of ‘wonderful.’
You find nothing.
You write 26 separate drafts of feedback before you notice it’s now noon and you haven’t even started your own projects, so you select the latest draft of your carefully worded critique, hit delete, type “Fantastic, John!” and click send.
Done.
Now, finally, back to work.
You need to close all open browser windows to eliminate distractions, but while doing so, an urgent plea somehow manifests on your screen:
You click through to the story and find great atrocities are happening in the world. Dolphins, blood human greed! WHY?! HOW CAN PEOPLE HARPOON THEIR TINY LITTLE GRINNING FACES? Adrenalin pumps through your system so fiercely that your vision trembles.
Unacceptable! Something has to be done RIGHT NOW! Those gentle beasts of the depths are dying because of mankind’s horrors. But that is just the beginning. More causes cry out for you to feed them, like hungry little birds:
Australia wants to log a World Heritage rainforest!
Guns in America! They’re still legal because: rednecks!
Amazon, Google, Apple, and Costco predicted to merge into one giant dictatorship called Apooglezonco, but the good news is, you’ll be able to order your Soylent Green from an App.
You have to stop this! You have to change the world right now!
The modern guide to
changing the world:
- Fill out an online petition with loud, angry keyboard strokes.
- Rant on social media using clusters of exclamation marks!!!
- Find a charity who’s helping. Like their Facebook page.
- Shake your fist at the sky like you really mean business.
- Run out of ideas on how to change the world.
- Throw your hands up and declare:
Meanwhile, clock hands spin…
Everything spirals and the space-time continuum folds in itself and you are lost…
Falling…
Tumbling down the warped and twisted rabbit hole…
The internet has you in its hold…
You are powerless…
And then something touches your leg and you come-to as if an Epi shot to the heart has pulled you from a drug stupor. You look down: the dog. Oh yes, the dog.
Image compliments of Shutterstock.
She’s upset because it’s past the time for her walk. She looks starkly real to your hazy eyes, as if she’s being lit by nauseatingly bright fluorescent glow of a 24-hour 7-Eleven. Oh yeah, the real world, you remember. That’s, like, a thing.
The morning has dissolved into noon, which is quickly slipping into darkness.
You close your laptop, and with it you shut down all the tragedy, all the needy causes, all the corruption, all that’s wrong in the world.
Dead dolphins: gone.
Crazy politics: disappeared.
Impending disaster: averted.
Outside, the air is crisp and the birds are tucking their little wings into the warmth of their bodies for the night. You breathe in the smell of dewy grass and wet soil and gum leaves crunching underfoot. Your dog gazelle-leaps through tall grass to avoid getting her belly wet, and her fat little low-rider gut makes you laugh.
The world is still beautiful.
And hilarious.
And alive and well.
Until tomorrow…
Written by Torre DeRoche and illustrated by Sarah Steenland. Befriend Sarah on Twitter and Facebook, or check out her blog. Befriend Torre on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
Torre DeRoche is the author of two travel memoirs, Love with a Chance of Drowning (2013) and The Worrier’s Guide to the End of the World (due out September 2017). She has written for The Atlantic, The Guardian Travel, The Sydney Morning Herald, Emirates, and two Lonely Planet anthologies.
58 Response Comments
It’s ironic that I’m here reading this, but still, thanks for the reminder to close the laptop more often.
Close your laptop, Dave, just not when you’re reading MY blog. 🙂
Hahahahahaha! Love this. Those crazed eyes look just like mine, most days. Thanks for the laugh.
There are a lot of things in this world to feel crazy-eyed about.
cute, and yay Sarah!!!
definitely describes the time suck that is the internet for me 😀
This is awesome. I can so relate — except for the dog. I have two cats, and one will visit to play ball (seriously) and the other wants belly rubs. And then I get hungry; how in the world did it get to be lunchtime already?!!!
Geez, pets, can’t you see we’re trying to be unproductive?!
I’m reading this just before 10am and, yes, I have done absolutely nothing that would be considered work that advances my business this morning. This was worth the distraction, so thanks 🙂
*like*
And that is why, when I want to get any writing down, I unclick my wireless internet button 🙂
Problem is, my fingers know how to click it back on again. And they do…
Haha, yep, I’ve been there. In fact that’s not far off my morning today. Guess I should stop procrastinating and do some work – though reading this was the best way I’ve avoided work all morning. Argh, screw it, I’m going to go go for a walk instead. Have you ever tried Rescue Time? It shocked me to see how much time I wasted while online!
No, I haven’t tried that but I recently installed a Chrome plugin called Block Site and I blocked all social media websites. It worked for about 3 days, and then I figured out how to unblock them from myself. I swear, it’s like owning a toddler who lives inside of me.
There’s now a *real* world?
The key is to also notice what’s going on once you extract yourself from internet hell. Sometimes I find myself thinking about things I could be doing while I’m out and have to shake myself back into the real world again.
Yup. I’d hate to see how the internet is rewriting all our brains.
Haha love it! Glad to see I’m not the only one that gets easily distracted when on the net 🙂
Loved your story..It is completely true. I am absolutely supposed to be doing something else right now. It’s freaking 1:15!
You nailed it!
Or, maybe, why the internet is making us all the same?
Surely every self employed creative can relate to this. I certainly can! Hope it’s an intro to your new book – How to save your sanity by ditching the Internet. I’d love to quit altogether but it’s like food. We have to do it, it’s just so hard to control the intake…
Nom nom nom get in my face hole.
I love this!! This is exactly my experience with the internet and all the wonderful/soul-sucking qualities it brings into our lives lol. It reminds me of a little video we used to pass around during my uni days in design school – called “Procrastination” from Tales of Mere Existence. Hilarious. 🙂 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4P785j15Tzk
I feel your pain! I had the same day 2 days ago, except I no longer have a sweet dog to save me:) The world is sweet, well most of it. Here’s to a better tomorrow.
ha, yes, I should be closing my laptop too. it’s already approaching 11 am 🙂
Hilarious post … I’m reading this at 9am so I might still have a chance to do something productive today lol
Do you have someone stalking me with a video cam? This was way too personal. Stop the internet, I want to get off!
Omg Torre and Sarah, this was sooo funny! I guess, sadly, that means it rings true for me… Whoops!
I can totally relate to this – especially since I am reading this post at 1:30am. Ooops
This had me laughing and checking my clock all at the same time. I know too many people who can relate. And now since my day started with reading your book and then heading to the internet to check out your blog I think I’ll end my internet time here as well. My running shoes are calling my name!
I’m currently procrastinating by reading this post – damn you Torre 😀
Toni
I loved this post, great job Torre. Definitely a relatable post indeed, right down to the dog part hah!
Torre,
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while! The pics are hilarious too..I need to look Sarah up.
Sadly, this is all so very true and I am just as guilty as everyone else. Fucking dolphins…
LOVE this post Torre 🙂 We had quite a bad storm here in NZ last night and we were without power for about 20 hours. I actually really loved the break from the internet – it can be so overwhelming! Keep up the great writing 🙂
I just had a day just like that! Well put and fantastically illustrated.
Programs that block Facebook are key during productivity times. When I have avoided this and Twitter, the amount of work I get done skyrockets!
I think the internet is driving us insane if we keep comparing ourselves to other people. Just be yourself and follow your dream. Don’t worry about what others think.
This is quite enjoyable! I embrace this kind of distraction! 😀
Such a true description! I managed to hold off the crack that is the internet until I’ve done my morning pages, but after that…the 25-minute (timed pomodoro) that I’ve allowed for social media and emails streeeeeeetches into the day. Ouch.
Great words and picture 🙂
Who knows how I landed on your blog but I never thought that I would be consumed by the internet. But there are clever people such as yourselves doing creative stuff so it is worth it!! And an Aussie to boot! I am a traveller and a renovater of our holiday in France and I am thinking of blogging our adventures but not sure how??
I love the way you have done your page……Suggestions, if you can spare the time.
I wouldn’t know where to begin with suggestions. Look up WordPress themes and find one you like, then go from there. Thanks for your lovely words, and all the best with France. That sounds amazing.
Imagine waking up tomorrow and finding the internet has ceased.
How cool it would be to spend a morning without seeing a “selfie!” 🙂
Story of my life! Sometimes I wish I was the dog so I could have someone telling me “hey no more internet” or “you can only eat this much” haha
I love you!!! I first discovered you through your equally as awesome post and illustrations on your 10-day Vipassana experience. Love your stuff. 🙂
LOL! This article certainly made my day – and yes, it DESCRIBES my day, too!
OMG you are most definitely that fly on my wall? My day starts off like that… then here I am it’s almost 2am read your blog and of course I must respond because I think this was so on point. But, you forgot one thing; once we get to the kitchen we must cook for
our family…someone has to feed them right? Please, no private messages! Ding ding.. you must respond your friends message, that proposal needs the response! Five minutes later, you burn your food, almost the kitchen, smoke everywhere. Smoke alarm beeping! Food and pan scorched, kitchen fire averted. Thanks for a great laugh. Now shutting down. New day comes fast. Wait! Tomorrow is Saturday I can type a few more words! The joys of the Internet and FOMO. THANKS! Shutting cell phone now… don’t respond for 24 hours pls!
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Ich bin begeistert von deinen spannenden Beiträge.
Mach weiter so!
I often wish I only had a slightly neglected dog. My three kids (and, erm, husband) always try to distract me when I’m busy surfing the web, I mean, WORKING (on MY blog)!
I guess as its now 10 AM and I am reading this to avoid doing some actual work, the whole day is destined to go down the pan! Seconds blur into minutes – minutes into hours – hours into days…
Thoroughly enjoyed this post. Drawings are poignant and tragic and hilarious.
So happy I found this. Will check out the rest of your site!
I am not sure I get the point across, basically you are suggesting to live a life of blissful ignorance hoping nothing bad happens?
There is a happy middle of being both informed and disconnected.
Makes me sad that anyone would waste their lives away like that. Because you have no discipline, you ended up wasting your own time, then lying to your friend about being busy. Then you return the lie to him after wasting even more time. This isn’t the internet, this is you. What a nightmare.
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